As I sit here on the last day of our Trade Show in New Orleans, I feel sad, overwhelmed, disgusted and all around blah. I am so excited about how fantastic our booth looks and how everyone has been so positive and uplifting and encouraging about my new clothing line for photogs (never thought that would be on my resume) yet, I feel a huge amount of blah. Just blah. There are thousands of photographers here at this Expo so, I get one to take some shots of me at the booth. I am pumped. I sit down, look through the images and I want to vomit. Tears well up in my eyes. I look awful. I scurried off to the potty to get myself together & I look at myself in the mirror & I see pretty. I see me. Just normal me. Why is it, when I look at myself in the camera I see complete & utter disgust for myself? I don't get it.
Boo hoo.
Well, lets see. Operation hot body is a fail. I feel as though I should call an "abort mission" on this bitch. I'm not even a week in. I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep on trying to make better choices about what I eat. I'm typing this as I sit in the home of the most amazing food ever. New Orleans has the most unbelievable food I've ever eaten. On day one I had, roasted duck pizzetta, with thyme jelly & guyere cheesee - my mouth is watering thinking about it! Then, I ate a fried oyster salad, yeah the fried oysters kind of defeat the whole "salad" thing... but they were FRESH OUT THE GULF fried oysters and it had hunks of bacon on it that were the size of my eyeball, I swear they scraped that fat straight off a pig standing in the kitchen!! Oh, y'all...last night I ate shrimp & crab tacos. One word - orgasmic. Did I mention the Dominoes pizza I ordered after being at the casino & on Bourbon Street all night??? Fatty fatty phen phen. Seriously. Seriously. I've got to get serious when I get back.
If you see me running around the block like Jessie Owens, just know it's on purpose. My car isn't broke down, I didn't steal anything & I'm not being chased. I'm sittin' on swole & bout to work it out.
See, all you haters...THIS IS WHY I BLOG. Now, I feel better about myself. All I needed to do is get it off my chest. Isn't there some saying about, the first step to feeling better about yourself is admitting your faults? Aye, probably not. Sounded intellectual though.
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Oh Jamie I feel your pain. I don't see pretty when I look in the mirror and the camera images just sicken me. Who is that girl? The years of steroids have helped ease me into hiding behind the ugly. I joined the gym last week and went back to lap swimming. It's the easiest on my body so we'll see if it helps. I'm doing an hour of lap swimming 5 days a week. I also started taking cayenne pepper tabs 3x a day with meals. I heard it helps speed up the metabolism. My biggest problem us I don't eat so my body stores it all. I've been eating breakfast and snacks on a regular basis now for about a month. Hopefully my metabolism will pick up. Ack. I just realized I rambled on so much. Sorry, just wanted to support and let you know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHey Kay! I don't know how I missed your comment. I am in a rut these days. Trying my best to stay on top of my weight & my health in general has become a daily struggle. Some days I'm all gung-ho on the healthy eating & others I find myself in the drive thru at Arby's ordering cheese sticks. Which are fabulous. I may need to check into those cayenne pepper tabs... how are they working out? Here's to staying strong & persevering!
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